the things i never say to you

-god what the fuck is going on. i don't even know. i just miss you so fucking much and i don't know what to do. so instead of knowing what to do, i involuntarily think about you. about us. about me regarding you. about you regarding me. i think of circumstance and hidden meanings and true meanings and what it all really means and i come out more overwhelmed with the feeling that i don't know. i just don't fucking know. i thought i did. i thought i knew exactly what it meant. but then i think of something else. or i think that maybe i'm just being emotional and idealistic.

i thought it was really happening. you know. that it was finally, really happening. but then it was gone. and it was like it didn't. but i still think about it. every day. every moment. i am ensnared by it. it all goes unspoken like it should be kept secret. like it didn't exist. like i'm not supposed to be wrapped up in it. so then i don't know if it really was happening. then i start to think that maybe it wasn't. maybe everything is just like how it used to be. maybe i'm just so fucking enthralled that i get ahead of myself and just lead my own stupid hopeless pathetic self on... maybe i should just stop wanting and take what i have. but i don't know what i have. so what do i do? do i just want and then delude myself in taking any reference to my ideals as the actual thing? or do i wait? how do i wait if i don't know what's happening? maybe nothing is happening. i just don't know. but i do know what i want. and i do know that i'll wait. even if it is blindly and without clear references. it's all i have.

you are all i have.

i think of calling you. i think of telling you what i think. i think i'm getting too emotional. i think of telling you what i feel. i think of telling you all the things i don't want to talk about, all the things you don't want to hear maybe. because it's always so difficult. why do i end up saying nothing because that's what we do. why do i just sit yearning and empty. i want to unload everything. i want to get everything in the open and lay it down, for face value so you can tell me what it means. i want you to tell me what you think. i want you to tell me if you think about the same things i do. i don't want to be the only one. i want to know if you have the same problems i do. but i don't know. i don't say anything and i let us be. that's what we do. we just be. and it's ok. i just want to know what being is. i want to know what we are. i want to know what you think we are. i want to know what you want us to be. i think that you don't want to know. i think that i won't say anything. i don't want to be too much. i don't want to apply pressure. i don't want to make things awkward. i want to be perfect for you. i fail miserably.

i think sometimes you understand me more than anyone can. i think sometimes you don't even come close to understanding what i feel. but i don't really know. sometimes i think you do. sometimes i think we feel more synonymously than ever. all i know is that i feel so fucking empty without you. i strive to fill as much of my day with glimpses of you, or thoughts, or conversation, or anything i can get that relates to you. i just don't want you to think that i want too much.

don't bring up the past and then push it off on me like i was being an asshole. i can't bring up the past and tell you what i thought. i don't like to. because i don't want to feel bad. i don't want to say you and matt were being assholes during all the called shotguns, the blatant flirting, the pool antics, the long way in his car, always in his car, while i waited. alone. while i watched. while i felt in the way. while i felt rejected and bothersome. i can't say that. it was between you and him. that was yours. i had something with matt. that was ours. i didn't mean to be an asshole.

i love you so much

i always feel like phone conversation. i always feel like talking. i always feel like staying on the computer. i always feel like staying up later than i should with you. i always feel like you.

if i really am too much, tell me. please tell me. please tell me exactly what you want to say. just be honest. i don't know otherwise.

i miss you.

i want you.

i love you.

i can't think of any other way to put it. if i could slap my emotions into words that really captured it all, i would. i just want to show you everything.

i ramble on and make no sense and i'm sorry i fuck up everything and leave you waiting.

i love you.